As I was lying awake for the majority of the time last night I couldn’t turn off my brain. I kept going over the day in my head, thinking of things I may have forgotten, things that I have to do tomorrow…which led to me to think about the days before I was a mother and the difference from then and now. To which, led me to this post. It’s funny what types of ideas, lack of sleep can land you on. But with hot coffee in reach and eyelids heavy, I can’t help but wonder why Motherhood causes us to reflect so much on our former selves’. Or is it just me? Before I became a mom, I didn’t have a care in the world, like most of us. I was allowed to be selfish with no question, I made mistakes, too many to count, and then made them again (in many cases), without, giving it any sort of second thought. Since having children, I reflect on these choices and wonder…’what was it all for?’.
Children have an effect of truly making you want to be a better person. They pull out the deep humanity within us or at least that is what my children have done for me. I am not a perfect person, nor is anyone for that matter. But I am grateful that my kids allowed me to reflect on my life in a way that would have never happened otherwise. Seeing my errors so clearly and giving me a chance to face them and come to terms with the parts of me that I may have neglected or even the parts of me I may not like. They have helped me understand the relationship with my own mother so much more clearly. The complexities of her, I seem so much closer too now. Parenting truly allows for clarity when reflecting on the way you were brought up. The whys and hows of my mother’s choices, the path she led and the struggles she may have endured are just so clear. It’s a comfort to be that much closer to someone you love so much…a connection that brings you closer to being better for your children. I cherish the awakenings I have gotten since giving birth that first time. Understanding my mistakes, my triumphs, my regrets, my contentment, has brought me to a better version of myself and in the end a better mama for my two littles.